1.My mom covered her eyes and said, "But Aya, it's okay because you are smart.You can just stick to whatever subject you enjoy and make use of that in the future. You're good at English, so you should master that. English is an international language so I'm sure it will be of good use. So don't worry if you get a D in P.E..."
My tears had stopped falling. There was something left for me.
--passage from Aya diary when her body is not working right causing her to do bad in P.E
2.I asked, "...which hospital?"
"Just leave it to me, I'll look for a trustworthy place."
My tears started to fall endlessly. I wanted to say "Thank you so much mom, and I'm sorry to make you worried," but I could not make any words come out of my mouth.
I wondered if my clumsiness is from staying up late at night, eating at different times, but thinking that there is something wrong with me and that's why I have to go see a doctor, left me to do nothing but cry. My eyes are starting to hurt from crying too much.
3.aya gets sick a lot. She uses up twice more money than her siblings. When I become an adult, when I become stronger, I'll let you guys live an easier life. I'll take good care of you guys like you took good care of me.
---from Aya diary
3."Don't cry you cry baby" The tough times are when a human is growing. If I can overcome this, a beautiful morning will be waiting for me. The peaceful morning full of light, with birds singing, and the smell of the white rose...
I wonder where happiness is.
I wonder what happiness is.
"Aya are you happy right now?"
"Of course not. I'm in the bottomless pit of sadness. It's so hard. Mentally and physically..."
The truth is that I'm a step away from becoming weird!
Because the crow that was crying is already laughing.
4.Why did the illness choose me?
The word fate isn't a good enough explanation!
5.I thought to myself, hmm I see. My mom is probably in more pain than I am in. My mom works thinking about people who need help and are in pain. When I think about that, I can put up with my troubles. For my parents, myself, and for the society, I decided to continue doing my best with the hope of being able to live.
6.There is only one road for me.
I don't have the right to pick my options. I can never go onto the same path as my friends.
If I make myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to walk the same paths as my friends, my own path will disappear...
I wanna go somewhere...
I wanna hit something really hard, yell and scream like crazy, fall down laughing....
7.Friends are so cool. I wanna be with them forever.
8.Do I not have the freedom to love or be loved by someone?
9.In my dream, I can walk, run, and move freely... In reality, I can't do any of that.
10."Don't do anything rash. I already talked to the taxi company, so you don't have to pay any money," said my mom.
Gosh, how much of a money eater bug am I going to be...I cause so much trouble, I'm sorry.
11.I will live "alone" carrying this heavy package called handicap.
12.I at least needed 1 litre of tears to make this decision and I will need more in the future.
13.I don't want to cry anymore.
Losing makes me frustrated.
If you feel frustrated, do something about it!
I can't continue to lose.
14.Hope
1. I will be able to see a clearer future.
2. I will be able to live my own life.
3. The facilities and the system seems to be very good.
4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.
Fear
1. I will be less like a human.
2. I don't know if I'll be able to live with other people.
3. Saying goodbye to me high school friends.
4. How the people(society) will look at me (because of the image of handicap school).
5. Boys.
6. A change within the family.
15."You didn't choose to be sick. There are many things you can do, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn't have the power to think, you wouldn't have been able to feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick," says mom.
16.I believe in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me through these hardships, made me feel a lot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.
17.I want to study with everyone.
I want to learn about many things and become a big person.
I don't want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.
18.Why can't I laugh naturally like I used to? I want to go back to the past!
I wanna make a time machine and ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run, walk, roll around, and play with you... but then I come back to reality.
Do I really have to come back to reality?
I don't wanna grow up!
Time...please stop! Tears...stop falling!
Ahh...Aya just can't seem to stop crying.
19.I wanna be like the air. The good-hearted person whose kindness overflows and people realize how important she was to them, once she is gone.
I wanna be that kind of person.
20.I'm about to lose to the sickness.
No! I'm not gonna lose! No matter how hard I try and act happy, when I see my teacher, sisters, brother, and my friends walking normally, I feel miserable
21.Maybe because the cells in my cerebellum were being destroyed, but my body movements have become awkward and I have trouble moving my legs, since my knees would not bend.
I can’t even talk loud anymore, and can only say one word at a time. I can’t even laugh Wahahaha and when I try to, it comes out as Wawawa.
I still tend to swallow accidentally without chewing and I am losing my strength to move my tongue.
Next time when I go to the hospital, I’m going to ask the doctor, “Without hiding the truth, please tell me what's going to happen to me.”
It’s scary to ask, but I need to think about my future. Depending on her answer, I might need to re-think about how I'm going to live my life.
22.During the Star Festival, I wrote “I want to be a normal girl” and my sister got mad at me and asked me, “What makes you so different from a normal girl?”
I wanted to fight back saying, “What’s so wrong about writing the truth?”
I realized that it’s very difficult to admit that you are handicapped, even though you know that you are.
23., "Forget about the past. If you keep looking back, you won't be able to move forward. Walk three steps forward, then two steps back.Life is～"
I started to laugh.
24.It's okay if you fall.
You can just get up again.
Why don't you look up at the sky, while you're down there.
The blue sky spreads across above you.
Can you see it smiling at you?
You are alive.
25.I cried in front of my friends.
It made me very sad when my club teacher asked me, "Are you quitting school?"
Does it make you feel good to be crying? Not only does it make the people around you feel bad, but doesn't it make you feel empty?
Then stop crying! You're cuter when you smile.
And if you have something to say, just say it before you start crying!
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